October 2019

For the Fear of love
By: Mayah Wheeler

I used to be afraid of a lot of things. I still am afraid of some things, like scary movies, enclosed spaces (sometimes, it varies) and dying. These seem like normal fears. But I had some fears that were just terrifying. I had two in particular that scared me the most; I faced them both and have grown exponentially. 

I used to be scared to fall in love. The idea of being my true self around someone was terrifying. For my whole life, I’ve been different. I’m honest and compassionate and kind and serious and have struggled within relationships. For years it was this cycle of making a friend, hanging out with them, something changing that I could not always identify, then we would hang out less and less, until eventually the friendship was a faint memory. I could never really understand why. Most of the time it didn’t even seem like anything happened, something just changed. For this reason I was paranoid. I wanted to be loved more than anything because I constantly felt like there was something wrong with me. That I wasn’t good enough for myself let alone anyone else. I didn’t want commitment within relationships because I couldn’t imagine that someone would want to commit to me. I can’t even begin to tell you how many times I have told myself “Well I don’t know why you’re acting like this, you’re (insert negative adjective about myself), so no wonder (insert name of person who no longer made time for me) wants you.” I’ve always struggled with feeling good enough, even since I was little. But it was worse when I got older. 

I wanted love so bad I settled into relationships that were based on toxicity and greed and with people who wanted to use me until there was nothing left. Eventually the fact that I was being used was so obvious to everyone around me that I was told I was being used. I had been told before, but I just couldn’t see it. When I did everything changed. I isolated myself and I fell in love with myself. I wanted to get to know me and all my quirks. I took time to love myself. But I was still afraid to be loved. The idea of falling in love made me think that I was going to lose myself along the way. But one day, I decided to take the risk- to love myself, allow myself to be loved and to love others. I faced the biggest fear I had- to fall in love myself. I would say it’s going pretty good so far. 

The second biggest fear I had was to go to therapy. Second semester sophomore year of college I cried multiple times a week. I was struggling, but I was terrified of going to therapy. The idea of going made me feel crazier than I already felt. After ending the first of two extremely toxic relationships this year, I was struggling. I had been struggling. I did my yoga and meditation practice, but it wasn’t fixing the problem. I needed more. I went to my first therapy session in September before moving on campus and have started therapy on campus this week. I was so scared to do it because I was scared it would make me feel crazy but in reality, it makes me actually feel like a person and has given me tools to cope with life. 

It turns out I was always good enough. I just needed to be me and love me for who I am. Falling in love with myself was the best decision I’ve ever made. Going to therapy was the second best. Allowing myself to love and be loved was the third.