OCTOBER 2018
Susan McCrary: How to Set Emotional Goals to Find Your Inner Peace
When we think about goal setting, we often think of career goals: Where we want to work, how much money we want to make, or how we want to leave a mark on this world. We also think about academic, relationships, and fitness goals. But, it is very seldom that we set and prioritize our emotional goals. Often times, we ignore our emotional well-being altogether to pursue these external goals in hopes that it will make us happy. I tend to do this myself, and I think it is because we put so much value on our achievements in our society nowadays, whether it is financial, academic, or careerwise. There’s nothing wrong with creating these goals, but I find that we focus so much on these external achievements that we neglect the internal.
prioritizing our emotional goals allows to gain better understanding, and thus better control, of ourselves. Five years ago, I started my internal journey of figuring out who Susan was, as well as recognizing and unlearning toxic thought-patterns and behaviors. As I learned more about myself, I realized that my anxieties were caused by deeper issues. I knew I had to unpack deep-seated feelings in order to tackle this beast, but I did not know where to start. The first steps of this internal journey seemed intimidating and foreign. When I finally started practicing and embracing the concepts below, I not only gained control over my anxiety, I also reconciled the issues at its root. As midterms approach, I’d like to offer tips to help you set (and reach) emotional goals on the way making positive life changes:
Don’t blame yourself for not being “there”
Don’t be cruel to yourself for not being where you think you “ought to” be. Instead, practice self-forgiveness and understanding. Our intention should be to take an honest look at ourselves without judgement, not to demean or flagellate ourselves into completely changing the essence of who we are. Rather, honest self-analysis is about being our better selves.
The key to change is acceptance. By coming to terms with ourselves (our strengths, flaws, hang-ups, and quirks), we free ourselves from the expectations and pressures that obstruct meaningful, constructive internal dialogue.
Be patient with yourself. We pressure ourselves to meet arbitrary deadlines in our career, relationship, and fitness goals, and this unhealthy obsession with being “there” can spill over into our emotions and our psychology. I, too, wanted to be immediately rid of my anxieties, but change takes time!
Anxiety arises when our current reality does not reconcile with our expectations. In order to escape a feedback loop of anxiety, expectation, and disappointment I had to practice detachment from the destination and embrace the journey, coming to terms with where I stood in the moment.
Second, by aiming to “cure” my anxiety, I was focusing on the symptom, rather than a cause. I was often anxious because I felt unbalanced and out of control in several areas of my life, which in turn caused inner disquiet the smothered my peace of mind. instead of targeting anxiety per se, my new focus became to seek balance in my life; taking proactive steps to recognize and act on circumstances I could change, while relieving self-inflicted pressure by accepting the circumstances I couldn't.
Create action steps to help you achieve your short term goals. emotional goals can take years to reach. Focusing on short term goals has helped my quest for emotional balance feel more manageable. One of these goals was to catch and document each time I felt anxious, using a journal or the notes application on my phone, and ask myself honest questions about the causes underlying my emotions. This helped me observe thought my psychology, identify the root of my fears, and understand when and why my anxieties were triggered. When daunting emotional labors are broken down into smaller, more manageable, objectives they become far less intimidating and overwhelming.
Stay Consistent. Just as we train our physical muscles to become stronger, we must also condition our emotional muscle memory to recognise and respond to egos; the collection of lived experience, baggage, hangups, and unconscious emotional responses that lead us avoid pain and seek pleasure, regardless of consequence. Learning to recognize our egos helps us identify the roots the desires and fears that contribute to anxiety. However, this is much easier said than done! this requires us to conduct honest and thorough in self-observation by our conscious selves to override this more reptilian part of our psychology.
I encourage all of you to set at least one emotional goal this month, and realize that you can change your external circumstances by starting from within. Everything that you need to enhance your emotional well-being is already within you.. Stay present in the journey, and remember to breathe.