September 2019

Letting go in Reverse
By:Domonique Wilson

It wasn’t until my hands started shaking did I know something was wrong. I couldn’t sit still and my heart was beating too fast. It wasn’t until two months after the diagnosis of bipolar disorder and anxiety that I knew I had to face what was wrong. It wasn’t until my therapist taught me that self-love was about treating myself like I would a friend. It wasn’t until I started thinking I was worthy of being loved did I realize I had spent my whole life hating myself. It wasn’t until I started loving the parts of myself that are still healing did I allow myself to see the beauty of knowing pain.

Every scar tells the story of how I didn’t die and for the first time in years, I am happy to be alive. It has taken me twenty-one years to learn how to let go and love myself for every part of myself. I love that my laugh is too loud and lets loose in all the wrong places. I love the discoloration of skin on my left shoulder. I love that I knew the words to too many screamo songs. I love my innocent years. I love that I am completely enamored with myself. 

21

I am twenty-one watching the waves collapse on rocks jilted from the past until now

Wondering when this picture of a landscape will dissipate

In two weeks? In nine days? Tomorrow?

I hope never

I hope my brain never stops being reintroduced to Beauty’s agency

I hope I never get used to existing

15

I am fifteen

So full of rage my pen could start a war

Tricked into thinking everyone is the enemy including myself

With shaking hands I etch my failures into the stone of my heart

And this time I smile at the masterpiece

Is this what I have become?

The author of an incomplete narrative?

Even the mirror misplaces the person I claim to be

10

I am ten stacking marbles in the indent of a wooden plank

Picking up fuzzy silence with each mesmerizing stone

This one has a stripe of blue and this one smiles a bright orange

Sometimes I switch games and play the one with the jacks and red ball

On my best days I can whisper I love you Mommy before reality crashes down on me

No hesitation before profession of love exists here

Because this is hands up to eighty-five

And I am in love with the sound of morning cartoons and dinosaur chicken nuggets

5

I am five and so confused

Lights blind my tiny brown irises

The water from the tub barely reaches my belly button

And the shark is gonna get my rubber ducky

Don’t just stand there

Help me

I’m small and can’t reach

0

I am born as perfection awaiting orders

Go